MY MIND WANDERED — and never came back!

Once again I’m super-busy and I don’t have much time to write a post.  So, I’ve turned to my spammer friends for help.

You see, lately, they have been leaving me these little jokes on my blog.  Perhaps they sensed my need for a little assistance. At any rate, in lieu of a blog post today, I’m simply sharing these jokes with all my bloggy friends. You’re quite welcome.  Some of them are quite punny, others may bring forth  a groan or two…    In either event, enjoy.

***

Normally I never ask for much on Christmas, but this year I decided to join the millions of other people who send letters to the fat man in the red flannel suit who allegedly drops in via the chimney each year on Christmas Eve and leaves gifts and stuff.

This year, I have decided that I want a gift that will keep giving for many years to come.

So without further adieu, here is a copy of the letter that I sent to the jolly old geezer, just in case he is real.

Dear Santa,

I’m not sure if you know who I am or not as this is the first letter I have ever written to you.  Nevertheless, I was led to believe that you’ve been stopping by my house each year for the past 5 decades. So, first of all, let me say thanks for the Beatles Album you brought me in 1965, and for my two front teeth in 1959. I also want to thank you for the fruit cakes you bring me each year. They make excellent pin cushions.

This year however, I am asking for something different. This year, I would like a clone of myself.

Yes, that’s right, a clone.

You see it’s like this: There is not enough of me to go around lately. I have tried being in four or five places at the same time but for some odd reason it isn’t working. I’m always late to four of them. (How on earth do you manage to do Christmas Eve all in one night, Santa?) So, I have decided that if I had a clone, things would be a lot less complicated for me.

For example, yesterday I needed to go into work early, I also had a doctor’s appointment, it was laundry day, the dog needed a bath, The Husband couldn’t find his socks and I had to go to the bathroom. The phone was ringing, someone was at the door, and the grandchildren were out of school and spending the day with us — at the top of their lungs, I might add.

The dog wanted to go out and the cat wanted to come in, and Mister Coffee died. One of my shoes was missing — the puppy was teething on it under the couch, the car wouldn’t start, I dropped my purse in the driveway and it landed in a ‘surprise’ left by the neighbor’s dog, and I realized I was still wearing my house slippers.

I was running late — already it was six o’clock in the morning — and all I wanted at that moment was a cup of coffee and a straight jacket. Another ‘me’ would have been a wonderful thing to have right about then.

Furthermore, I seem to have misplaced my short term memory. I often forget what month it is and last week I forgot where I live. I went to the house down the street. I soon found out how Goldilocks felt when the three bears came home and found her sleeping in their bed.

It wasn’t a pretty sight, what with the cops and all.

So if you could bring me a clone (with a good memory) who could sort of do some of these things for me, I would appreciate it. However, there are two things she needs to know: She must be able to say the word “NO” especially to the grand kids and she is never, under any circumstance, to accept hugs and kisses from them, nor from The Husband.

Also, the grandchildren asked me to tell you that they have been very good this year. I know they asked you if they could have a hamster for Christmas, but their mom told them no. She informed them that they would have turkey just like everyone else.

And another thing, Santa. Be careful when you come down the chimney on Christmas Eve. The Husband sleeps like a log so I sometimes put him in the fireplace. (especially when he snores)

Oh yes, one more thing,  I’m leaving you a salad instead of milk and cookies as I think you should lose a few pounds.

Thanks,
The Lady Who needs A Clone

P.S. If I happen to be out of town when you come by, could you please feed the dog and water my plants? Of course, if you decide to bring me a clone, she can take care of these things for us.

***

Humor-blogs.com

Times are hard, People! The economy sucks, prices are ridiculously high and it takes every penny we can scrape together to make our monthly payments and still have enough left over for a few of the finer things…like food and electricity.

Frankly, I’ve had enough. So whilst juggling the budget this month I came upon an idea for a way to get some much needed extra cash. I’ll let you know how this works out. Meanwhile, here is a copy of the letter I sent to all my creditors this month.  Feel free to use it for yourself, just remember to change the names and account numbers to yours instead of mine.  You’re welcome.

Instant Cash Finance Company

Accounts Delinquent Department

Dear Sir:

I have good news concerning the backlog of unpaid payments on the huge sum of money I owe you. It looks as though my recent bout of poverty is over and I will be coming into a lot of money and therefore I can pay you at long last.

I know! It was all a huge surprise to me as well. I received the incredible news via email last week.

The first email was from a poor soul in Nigeria who happens to be dying from some kind of rare disease. It seems her husband was killed in a plane crash last year leaving her with 5.2 million dollars. They both grew up in an orphanage and they had no children. Since she has no next of kin she has asked me to take the money and use it to do something good. I figured paying my bills was the best thing I could do. (bless her heart.)

All I need to do in order to receive the $5.2 million is to send her the small sum of $10,000.00 to cover the cost of the transfer.

Of course I must also send all my personal information and the routing number, account number and secret pass code for my bank account. Oh and also my original birth certificate, valid driver’s license, and Social Security card, which will be returned to me along with the millions of dollars she is giving to me.

Isn’t that just the sweetest thing you ever heard of someone doing for a person they don’t even know. And for someone from another country, no less.

She is indeed an angel. And she doesn’t even speak English fluently, judging from her email. (bless her heart)

I don’t know how she found me, unless perhaps she did a background check on me from the several online databases that sell all our personal information to anyone who requests it, or perhaps she checked my credit score at one of those credit report dot coms and found out how needy I am. (bless her heart.)

But that’s not all.

On top of that whirlwind news, came more good news!  I have also won the UK lottery.

Yes! I received the notification in my email today, informing me that I have won $2.5 million. This had to be a pure lucky streak because I have never even played the lottery. In fact I hadn’t heard of it until now. It must be fate.

I am to fax them my personal and financial information, my birth records, driver’s license, SS number, address, phone number, voter registration, shoe size, blood type, and religious preference. Evidently they require more information in the UK.

They have also stated that in order to receive the money a small amount will need to be sent to them upfront…in small unmarked bills, to help pay for the transactions.  They requested that I send only $5,000.00. Apparently it doesn’t cost as much to transfer money from the UK.

I can hardly believe my good luck. And I know you will be thrilled as well when I send you your payments.

However, there is only one small problem.  In order to pay for the transfers of the larger sums of money, I am left with the task of coming up with $15,000.00 and some change for the transfer fees and such.

If you could see your way clear to lending me the money, we would both benefit. And, you can simply add it on to the balance I already owe you, and then I will pay the total after all the transactions are complete.

Please deposit the $15,000 directly into my bank account.  You already have all the personal and financial information mentioned above…well all except my blood type and you can probably get that from my signature on the loan papers I signed when I borrowed from you the last time.

I look forward to sending you a large check very soon.

Kind Regards

Acct. # 103PY236KJ

I promise that no Nigerians, bankers, finance companies or pets were harmed during the writing of this post.