Normally I never ask for much on Christmas, but this year I decided to join the millions of other people who send letters to the fat man in the red flannel suit who allegedly drops in via the chimney each year on Christmas Eve and leaves gifts and stuff.

This year, I have decided that I want a gift that will keep giving for many years to come.

So without further adieu, here is a copy of the letter that I sent to the jolly old geezer, just in case he is real.

Dear Santa,

I’m not sure if you know who I am or not as this is the first letter I have ever written to you.  Nevertheless, I was led to believe that you’ve been stopping by my house each year for the past 5 decades. So, first of all, let me say thanks for the Beatles Album you brought me in 1965, and for my two front teeth in 1959. I also want to thank you for the fruit cakes you bring me each year. They make excellent pin cushions.

This year however, I am asking for something different. This year, I would like a clone of myself.

Yes, that’s right, a clone.

You see it’s like this: There is not enough of me to go around lately. I have tried being in four or five places at the same time but for some odd reason it isn’t working. I’m always late to four of them. (How on earth do you manage to do Christmas Eve all in one night, Santa?) So, I have decided that if I had a clone, things would be a lot less complicated for me.

For example, yesterday I needed to go into work early, I also had a doctor’s appointment, it was laundry day, the dog needed a bath, The Husband couldn’t find his socks and I had to go to the bathroom. The phone was ringing, someone was at the door, and the grandchildren were out of school and spending the day with us — at the top of their lungs, I might add.

The dog wanted to go out and the cat wanted to come in, and Mister Coffee died. One of my shoes was missing — the puppy was teething on it under the couch, the car wouldn’t start, I dropped my purse in the driveway and it landed in a ‘surprise’ left by the neighbor’s dog, and I realized I was still wearing my house slippers.

I was running late — already it was six o’clock in the morning — and all I wanted at that moment was a cup of coffee and a straight jacket. Another ‘me’ would have been a wonderful thing to have right about then.

Furthermore, I seem to have misplaced my short term memory. I often forget what month it is and last week I forgot where I live. I went to the house down the street. I soon found out how Goldilocks felt when the three bears came home and found her sleeping in their bed.

It wasn’t a pretty sight, what with the cops and all.

So if you could bring me a clone (with a good memory) who could sort of do some of these things for me, I would appreciate it. However, there are two things she needs to know: She must be able to say the word “NO” especially to the grand kids and she is never, under any circumstance, to accept hugs and kisses from them, nor from The Husband.

Also, the grandchildren asked me to tell you that they have been very good this year. I know they asked you if they could have a hamster for Christmas, but their mom told them no. She informed them that they would have turkey just like everyone else.

And another thing, Santa. Be careful when you come down the chimney on Christmas Eve. The Husband sleeps like a log so I sometimes put him in the fireplace. (especially when he snores)

Oh yes, one more thing,  I’m leaving you a salad instead of milk and cookies as I think you should lose a few pounds.

Thanks,
The Lady Who needs A Clone

P.S. If I happen to be out of town when you come by, could you please feed the dog and water my plants? Of course, if you decide to bring me a clone, she can take care of these things for us.

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Tags: Christmas, clone, letter to santa, weight loss