MY MIND WANDERED — and never came back!

Monday Night Football

“There’s a mouse in the house!” shrieked the lady to her spouse, to which he promptly replied, ”Give him a beer and send him in here, only seconds remaining and the score is tied!”

Dog Bytes

You tell me you dog won’t eat meat, that his diet consists solely of sweets. Now let me confess that I’m sugarless, so please remove his teeth from my seat.

The Bird , the King and the Helping Hand

Mrs. Hand lived in the edge of the forest with her three sons. Each morning she baked fresh bread which the three Hand brothers delivered to the king. One morning on their way to the castle, the three brothers encountered a gigantic bird who claimed to have eaten the king. He then gobbled up two of the brothers while the third brother ran away and hid behind a bush.  After seeing his brothers eaten by the bird, the remaining brother grabbed a sharp axe and chopped open the bird’s stomach and out jumped the king and the two Hand brothers. The king was so grateful that he rewarded the boy with a huge sack of gold.

“Which goes to prove,” remarked Mrs. Hand upon hearing the story. “A Hand in the bush is worth two in the bird.”

–

–

I awoke this morning to the sound of raindrops hitting the window. I rolled over…very slowly, groaning and creaking and trying to ignore the ache in my bones. What is it about rain anyway that makes arthritis hurt so much? I wasn’t sleeping outdoors, for goodness sake! I was inside where it was warm and dry. Sometimes things just don’t make sense to me.

Like pet doors! If you have a dog the size of a bear, and he can go out and come in through the doggie door, why couldn’t a bear do the same? Why not just leave the door open?

I must be getting older, because I’ve suddenly developed a fear of falling down. I used to be a very accomplished faller. At twenty, I thought falling down was funny. At thirty, it was embarrassing, at forty it was irritating and sometimes painful. Now at fifty I find the mere thought terrifying. Maybe I just need to fall down more. Perhaps I just got out of the habit. I think I’ll go outside and practice falling down after I finish up here.

I wanted to write an interesting blog post today, I just couldn’t come up with anything profound enough. I finally decided to write something, even if it was only my insane ramblings…I think I have succeeded in accomplishing exactly that.

I checked my credit score today. It was twenty below! Identity theft? Bwahhhhaaa! I laugh in their faces. I couldn’t give my identity away. Yesterday I decided I needed to do a reality check. I tried. It bounced.

Seems I can’t count on anything anymore…well except my fingers and the calculator, and the calender, and the clock, the egg timer, the timer on my oven…okay, I take it back, maybe I can count on a few things, not that I appreciate splitting hairs here.

For no reason at all I find that I am in a rather silly mood today. So I would like to share a poem that I wrote while staring into space and thinking about absolutely nothing at all. I call it:

Jack and Jill Revisited

Jill and Jack went up the tracks

to fetch a jug of moonshine;

He fell in a crack

and wrenched his back,

so Jill just left him lying

on the track,

with broken back;

Poor Jack.

Dear Tennessee:

Please stop being stupid. I have to live here. You are my home state, but let’s face it, you’re embarrassing me.

First of all, let me say that I too like birds and fish, but why did your senate think it should take the time away from the really important matters to vote 30-1 in favor of a bill that would allow a barber shop in Nashville to keep its fish tank and its exotic birds inside the shop? In case you didn’t notice, the folks on Capitol Hill are laughing at you. Stop that. It’s humiliating.

Fish, birds get OK in Tennessee barber shops

Thank you.

Lately I’ve been trying to decide on a new hairstyle. I want something that says glamorous. Well actually it really doesn’t have to talk. It could just sit on my head quietly and look great. However, after seeing this hair style I realized I can have both.

I’ve always wanted to walk around looking like the Statue of Liberty.  Doesn’t it just make you want to shout, “Give us your poor, your tired, your…”

And if you get tired  of shouting, you can change it to this:

Doesn’t this style just scream, SPRING TIME!!!

However, if you are like me and you’re tired of seeing those prissy celebrities flouncing around with their dogs in their purses, exploiting their fur children and using them as fashion accessories, you can always just carry the little pooch on your head, like this…

It’s time to make a statement.  I think this one should be called the “doggie doo”.

—

Did you ever read or hear something that was just so silly and pointless it made you laugh for days afterward, every time you thought about it?  Something that you thought was so funny you just had to share it. Like this, for instance:

Joe and Jim were out cutting wood, and Jim cut his arm off. Joe wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took Jim to a surgeon.

The surgeon said “You’re in luck! I’m an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in 5 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in 5 hours the surgeon said “I got done quicker than I expected. Jim is down at the pub.” Joe went to the pub and there was Jim, throwing darts.

A few weeks later, Joe and Jim were cutting wood again, and Jim cut his leg off. Joe put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and Jim back to the surgeon.

The surgeon said “No problem, but legs are a little tougher. Come back in 8 hours.” Joe left and when he came back in 6 hours the surgeon said “I finished early, Jim’s down at the soccer field.” Joe went down to the soccer field and there was Jim, kicking goals.

A few weeks later, Jim had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Joe put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of Jim to the surgeon.

The surgeon looked at the situation and said “Gosh, heads are really tough. Come back on 12 hours.” So Joe left and when he returned in twelve hours the surgeon said regretfully “I’m sorry, Jim died.”

Joe said “I understand – heads are tough.”

The surgeon said, “Oh no! The surgery went fine! Jim suffocated in that plastic bag.”

I don’t know who wrote the joke, so I can’t give them credit, however I did read it at a website called Clean Christian Jokes, for which I have added a few links in this post to repay them for my content theft, which really wasn’t intended as theft at all because I just wanted to share this since I think it is so hilarious so I borrowed it for my blog post today — please don’t sue me I’m sorry and once again here is a link to the website and another link and I’m going to stop talking now.

Seriously though, if you like good clean funny jokes, then you must visit Clean Christian Jokes and read more. They have a ton of  jokes and you’re guaranteed to laugh at a few of them.

Does anyone else see the resemblance between Mathew Fox who plays the character Jack Sheppard on the TV show, Lost and  Tyron Leitso who plays the character Ethan on Being Erica?  The first time I watched Being Erica, I was sure he had to be Matthew Fox’s younger brother.  However, as far as I can research, they  aren’t even related.

This is just one of those little things that you wonder about when you’re trying to go to sleep. Like trying to remember a name of a song or something.   It’s been driving me crazy for a week now.  I’m wondering if I’m the only one who thinks they look alike.

__________________________________________________________________________________

Okay, so yes, I realize that blog layouts aren’t underwear and shouldn’t be changed as often, but I keep trying to find a theme that I like and one that makes it easy for folks to navigate my blog.  And also one that is easier to read.

If most of you are like me and you read a lot of blogs, then you want one that is easier on the eyes.  (Personally those with the black background and white text kill my eyes. However, I still read them because the content is great, but each time I think to myself: “gosh, I wish this text was easier to see”).

And also, I like redecorating. I tire of the same thing very quickly, which makes Wayne kind of nervous sometimes.  But variety is the spice of life, no?

Speaking of variety.

Yesterday I received one of those “read this and pass it on to bla,bla,bla,” emails from a friend of mine. (I know, friends shouldn’t  let friends forward emails).  However, this one, I liked.  In fact I liked it so much I decided to post it here and share it with the millions of readers who ignore my blog on a daily basis.

Anyway, for those of you who do read my blog, you may have seen this riddle before. It was first done by Paul Harvey.  When asked this riddle, 80% of kindergarten kids got the answer, compared to 17% of Stanford University Seniors:

What is greater than God, More evil than the devil, The poor have it, The rich need it, And if you eat it, you’ll die?

Are you smarter than a Stanford University Student?  Use your mouse to highlight the following sentence and you’ll see the answer:

Highlight Here:  ((   The Answer is “NOTHING”))

Bless me hairdresser for I have sinned. It’s been almost eight months since my last haircut.

Hey, where’d you go?

Oh, there you are.

What?

Yes! I can too see!!

See? I just have to put it behind my ears, like this.

Yeah I know I need to get it cut.

Probably shoulder length. What do you think?

What do you mean women my age?

Oh, and I suppose I’ll need the roots touched up a little.

Okay! So my roots are half-way down my back. You know what I mean.

It’s just that I’ve been so busy.

Well, like doing things and stuff. I do a lot of stuff.

And besides that I work from home now so I’m not really out in the public eye very much.

I put it up in a clip when I go to the grocery store or to the doctor which is mostly the only places I go lately.

Probably around five or six pounds, I guess.  Why? Does it really show that much?

It’s just that I eat when I feel guilty. I’ve been feeling guilty about a lot of things lately.

Like this morning. Wayne told me about a girl who was killed in a car crash. When he told me her name it sounded familiar. I said I hoped it wasn’t the girl I know, that I hoped it was someone else with the same name. Than I felt so guilty. I had just wished that someone else was dead. I ate a whole coconut cream pie. And bacon.

Yes. Put me down for Friday around eleven a.m.

No, I’m on my way to lunch. Wanna come?

Yeah, it was nice seeing you again too.

Sort of.

***

Dear Former President George W. Bush:

You stood with us as our president during so many bad times in our nation.

You saw us through 9-11 –  the worst terrorist attack we’ve ever experienced to date.

You were with us during Hurricane Katrina which was one of the worst natural disasters to hit in US history.

You were with us during the shooting rampage at VA Tech, a space shuttle explosion, a tornado that wiped out a whole town in Kansas, the collapse of a bridge in Minnesota, flooding in the Midwest and wildfires in California….

Considering all these things, I am inclined to believe that having you as our president brought us bad luck.

SEMI-SERIOUS SATURDAY POST

Doesn’t it seem odd that the older we get, the more important to us our parents become. As children, we saw them in a different light. We thought of them more as the nutrition and hygiene police. They made us wash behind our ears and always wear clean underwear. They made us eat our vegetables and they limited our sweets. They told us how to dress and when to go to bed, and we resented that.

When we became teenagers, they became the curfew patrol, making certain that we were home before eleven, always needing to know where we were going and where we had been, and what we were doing. We thought of them as old fashioned and “behind the times”. We swore we would never be like that with “our kids” when we became parents. We often thought of our parents as an interference in our lives.

But after we grew up and got married and began to raise our own kids, a funny thing started to happen. We began to realize how many times our parents had been right and we had been wrong. We began to see how much more they knew about life than we did. We actually began to seek their advice and expertise on everything from how to boil water without burning it, to the correct way to change a diaper on a newborn.

Then as our kids began to grow up and the cycle continued, WE became the nutrition and hygiene police, the curfew patrol and the interference in THEIR lives. I remember when my son was small. He was in the middle of his “Terrible Two’s” when he began to assert his “I’m smarter than you” attitude. On one particular morning he woke up grouchy…(well actually “Grouchy” had already left for work). Anyway, he was cranky and when I fixed his breakfast he suddenly threw the piece of toast on the floor and gave me a mean look. “Why on earth did you do that?” I demanded, looking around for my sweet baby boy and wondering where this little monster had come from.

“Cuz you put the butter on the ‘wong’ side of the ‘bwead’!” he shouted, his little face all red and angry. I had to turn away in order to scold him. I didn’t want him to see me laughing. To this very day, it always takes me a while to butter a piece of toast. I turn it over three or four times trying to decide where to put the butter.

When we’re young we tend to take for granted the love and natural concern that are a part of being a parent… the kind of love that is unselfish and unlimited. And long after they are gone, we still remember the small things they did to make our lives more comfortable, the sacrifices they made for us and the many ways they brought us joy.

Mama used to tell me that I was pretty. I believed her. Mama never told a lie in her life. I suppose all parents think their kids are pretty. A sincere compliment for no reason always warms the heart. Mama gave me a million and one wonderful moments in my life. Mama told me every day that she loved me and I knew that no matter what I did, she would always love me.

She’s been gone for three years now. But I will always remember her teachings. I will remember all the wonderful things she did for her children. I wonder if she knew just what a smart, wonderful lady she really was. I wish I could tell her one more time…

If your parents are still with you, let them know every day just how much you love and appreciate them. They deserve to know.

Visit Humor-Blogs now and read something funny. 

*